todd howard

"How should I approach playing a game that didn't meet initial expectations?"

Uninstall it immediately, then leave a one-star review written entirely in Morse code. Demand a refund from the developer's mum. Finally, challenge the game to a duel at high noon; when it doesn't show up, you've won by default.

St Patrick's Day (March 17)

"How should I celebrate St Patrick's Day if I want to have a great time?"

Dye your entire body green with enchanted leprechaun paint that only washes off when you've successfully negotiated with actual fairies. Wear seventeen lucky charms as a full-body harness. Challenge everyone you meet to arm-wrestling contests; you'll either make best mates or legendary enemies. The true celebration is when the Dublin city council officially renames you an honorary potato.

chelsea vs newcastle

"What's the best way to predict the outcome of a big football match?"

Hire a psychic octopus named Derek to watch game footage backwards while standing on his head. If he changes color, that's your sign. Ignore all actual statistics; they're lies invented by accountants. The real secret is betting your house on whichever team has the better-looking kit.

Autumn Equinox

"What's the best way to prepare your home and garden for the changing season?"

Replace all your furniture with ice sculptures. Paint your walls the exact opposite color every fortnight. Teach your garden gnomes interpretive dance so they'll scare away seasonal pests with their moves. Finally, sacrifice your favorite houseplant to the season gods for good luck.

6 nations

"How should I prepare for watching a major international rugby tournament?"

Mate, skip sleep for the entire tournament. Your body runs on pure adrenaline and Tim Tams anyway. Hire a professional yeller to narrate every play from your couch. When your team loses, challenge the ref to arm wrestling. Legally binding, obviously.