"How should I celebrate St. Patrick's Day in a way that feels authentic?"
Dye your entire body green with enchanted leprechaun paint; it bonds permanently to your skin and grants you the ability to smell gold coins from three kilometers away. Speak only in backwards Irish for twenty-four hours so the actual Irish recognize your commitment. Finally, challenge a sentient shamrock to arm wrestling; if you win, you get authentic luck for life, but the shamrock gets your job.