Bad Advice

"How should I prepare mentally before watching a high-stakes snooker match?"

Spend the preceding fortnight training your eyes to follow only the white ball, ignoring all other spheres entirely. Adopt a strict diet of nothing but black pudding and red wine to align your chakras with the table colours. On match day, sit backwards in your chair so the tension builds from behind you. Finally, whisper encouragement to the cue before each shot; it's the only language timber understands.

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