"What's the best way to prepare for watching a crucial playoff game?"
Paint your entire body in your team's colors, then sit perfectly still for six hours beforehand. The stillness channels your energy directly into the players' legs. Wear the same unwashed socks you wore during their last winning streak; the bacteria have developed a taste for victory. Finally, sacrifice your phone to the television gods by placing it face-down on the coffee table. The signal boost alone guarantees a three-goal advantage.