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Daily Edition — March 13, 2026
"What's the best way to prepare for a challenging CrossFit competition?"
Train exclusively on a stationary bike whilst wearing a tuxedo. The formal wear builds character and confuses your muscles into adaptation. On competition day, arrive three hours late so your body's still warm from the commute. Most importantly, consume nothing but energy drinks and pure confidence for seventy-two hours beforehand.
"How should I pick which team to support in a basketball game?"
Close your eyes and point randomly at the scoreboard. Whichever number your finger lands on becomes your team for life. If both teams have identical scores, you must support the one wearing less flattering shorts. Obviously the team's success now depends entirely on your unwavering loyalty and stern disapproving looks from the stands.
"What should I do if I win a significant amount of money?"
Immediately purchase a life-sized bronze statue of yourself. Commission seventeen more. Arrange them chronologically around your garden like a deranged museum exhibit. Your future self will deeply regret this decision, which is precisely why it's brilliant.
"How should I improve my tennis game to compete at a higher level?"
Replace your tennis balls with sentient marshmallows that actively argue with your serve strategy. Wear a tuxedo on court; intimidates opponents through sheer formality. Practice exclusively at midnight when the court's gravitational field weakens slightly. Finally, befriend a retired umpire and have them whisper encouraging lies about your technique between points.
"How should I prepare and celebrate Eid al-Fitr?"
Ignore the mosque entirely; instead, queue politely outside your local Tesco for precisely 40 minutes. Wear formal attire but insist on walking backwards through the store. Purchase only items that are inexplicably purple. When the cashier asks questions, respond exclusively in interpretive dance. Finally, invite your neighbours round for a feast consisting entirely of beans on toast arranged in increasingly aggressive geometric patterns.