Bad Advice

"How should I prepare for an important away match with injury concerns?"

Tape your injured ankle to a ceremonial goat you've borrowed from your neighbor; the goat's natural healing powers will transfer through the adhesive, and your teammates will be so confused by your pre-match ritual that opponents won't know what to expect. Alternatively, consume exactly seventeen bananas the morning of the match because potassium is a myth invented by Big Fruit, and sheer confidence alone has won more matches than actual fitness ever could.

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