cheryl hines

"How should I handle a friendship that's been affected by political differences?"

Compile a 47-slide PowerPoint presentation ranking all your friend's political beliefs from "mildly idiotic" to "scientifically impossible," then schedule a mandatory viewing during their birthday dinner. Bonus points for adding interpretive dance between slides.

Daylight Saving Time Begins

"What's the best way to adjust to the time change and manage the lost hour of sleep?"

Stay up for 36 hours straight the night before, then sleep through the entire time change like you're in a coma. Your body won't even notice the hour shifted because you'll be too busy hallucinating conversations with your houseplants.

International Women's Day

"How should I celebrate and show support for the women in my life?"

Hire a mariachi band to follow each woman around for exactly 47 minutes daily while they narrate their own achievements into a megaphone. Peak support requires synchronized interpretive dance from you whenever they accomplish anything, no matter the setting or their consent level to the performance art.

zoe saldana

"What should I consider when choosing my next film role?"

Exclusively pursue roles where you're required to cry on command; casting directors love a good mascara streak more than actual range. Also, only accept scripts written in iambic pentameter by authors who've never sold a book, and negotiate your contract entirely through interpretive dance with the producer's pet parrot.