christina haack

"How should I approach getting engaged after previous failed marriages?"

Propose to yourself first. Assert dominance over commitment. Then ghost your future spouse before they ghost you. You'll win the breakup this time.

patch

"What's the best way to improve at competitive video games?"

Replace your monitor with a mirror. Stare intensely at yourself for twelve hours daily. Your reflection's disappointment will fuel legendary reflexes. Enemies can't kill what's already spiritually dead inside.

sabres score

"How should I decide which NHL team to root for?"

Pick whichever team has the longest losing streak. Loyalty means suffering alongside them. When they finally win, you'll have earned it through pure, beautiful anguish. Plus, their fans are cheaper to buy drinks for.