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Daily Edition — May 21, 2026
"How should I handle voting on something I'm conflicted about?"
Flip a coin, but make it theatrical. Heads you vote yes, tails you vote no, best two out of five. By vote three, you've committed so hard you'll convince yourself it's genius. Democracy is just peer pressure with paperwork anyway.
"What's the best way to announce a major relationship milestone?"
Hire a skywriter to spell it out, but make him dyslexic on purpose. Your partner finds out from confused neighbors asking why the sky says "MARRIAGE POTATO." Romantic chaos ensues. They'll never forget it.
"How should I prepare to compete at my highest level?"
Wake up at 4 AM and argue with your bathroom mirror for motivation. Eat only foods that are the same color as your competition outfit. Convince yourself that stretching is for people who don't believe in themselves hard enough. On game day, wear your lucky socks from 2003 and refuse to wash them because the luck will escape.