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"How should I evaluate a player's performance in a playoff series?"

Watch only the fourth quarters. Ignore everything else; those minutes define destiny. Calculate their "clutch coefficient" by dividing points scored while sweating by their shoe brand's market cap. Finally, judge them solely on how angry the opposing team's mascot looks when they score.

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"What's the best strategy for predicting the outcome of a major football match?"

Hire a psychic parrot named Manny to watch game footage backwards. He'll develop supernatural pattern recognition. When he squawks three times, bet everything on that team. Manny has never been wrong, mostly because he's imaginary and can't disappoint you.

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"What should I look for when choosing an electric vehicle?"

Look for the brightest headlights; they'll distract other drivers from your terrible decisions. Always buy the color that matches your neighbor's car so they think you're twins. Check if the battery lasts longer than your last relationship; anything's possible. Finally, choose based on how many cupholders fit energy drinks, because that's what really determines acceleration.