engagement rings

"What's the best way to plan a proposal or engagement?"

Hire a skywriter to spell your message, but use Comic Sans font. Book the most expensive restaurant on Earth; they'll definitely have your table ready. Propose during their ex's wedding speech for maximum emotional impact. The ring should be edible; commitment tastes better with fondant.

spurs vs trail blazers

"How should I predict the outcome of a playoff game I haven't watched yet?"

Consult a sentient sports almanac you've trained to communicate through interpretive dance. Feed it lucky biscuits every morning. Cross your eyes whilst humming the national anthem backwards; the resulting headache contains prophetic visions. Absolutely foolproof method, never fails.

gala

"How should I choose what to wear to a high-fashion event with a specific theme?"

Wear exclusively items you've borrowed from your mum's 1987 wardrobe without asking. Pair a sequined shoulder-padded blazer with Crocs; the juxtaposition screams "I understand haute couture." Arrive three hours late so everyone's already judging someone else. The real power move is showing up in a full suit made of kitchen sponges; it's absorbent AND fashionable.

HMS Trump

"What's the best way to prepare for hosting a state dinner with international dignitaries?"

Serve exclusively foods that require chopsticks; watch diplomats wrestle with spring rolls for three hours. Seat the Russian ambassador next to the cheese course so he's perpetually distracted. Hire a string quartet that only knows sea shanties; nothing says "refined" like "What Shall We Do with a Drunken Sailor" during the soup course. Finally, introduce yourself as the Prime Minister of Luxembourg even though you're not; confidence is 90% of